been a while...

I have been imagining what I'd say in a blog post each day, but something holds me back from actually posting.

Anyway...here's a blurb about each of us:

B had a psychiatric reevaluation on Monday. He listened carefully to the long summary of all of his psyc appointments, treatment, hospitalizations, and birth/adoptive history. I am not sure what part of it he is stuck on. It could be anything from "same meds since 2008" or "don't know if his birthmother had bipolar" or "good progress since 2007". It's usually really hard to tell what sets B off. Now he is in denial of his own problems, refuses to take his meds, and any time someone in this family shows any kind of negative emotion, he yells "you have bipolar". He is in obvious emotional pain, but we just have to wait it out. It is very hard to comfort him when he is in attack mode. He is supposed to go camping this weekend with the Scouts. I won't send him if he is still so ill, but God help us if I have to keep him home with us. It is really fun to see all of his 'normal' teenage behaviors developing. It's funny to notice myself celebrating teenage behaviors, but after living with his rage, extreme clinginess, and sabotage for 14 years, I love seeing him go through puberty and having a somewhat more 'normal' life now that he is getting older.

JJ is a tightly wound ball of nerves. That, paired with his interest in copying B's negative patterns of behavior and his difficulties attaching healthily to me, cause him to need TONS of redirection and time-outs. He usually goes to time-out without help, and is allowed to act as nutty as he wants in his room. His time alone helps him calm down and he comes out a new person. He's not really difficult to parent. I worry alot, though, about his tendency to mimic B's behaviors. I need for JJ to just be JJ, and I remind him daily. I am sure he is starting to hear my voice in his mind by now. We've been together almost a year. He is one of the most cautious people I have ever met. He calls me 'mom' most of the time now, and loves me to the best of his ability. That's good enough for me, because I love him too.

V is getting defiant. She doesn't want to take her meds. She picks fights (arguments) with anyone near her. I am not sure what's going on yet. Either she's got needs that aren't being met, or her natural tendencies for defiance and aggression are starting to come out. She is a very emotional girl, and a very fashionable one too. I have never been a girly-girl, and I am learning alot about how to live with someone who hogs the bathroom, needs extra time to get her outfit and hair just right, and ... ugh. She's only eight. Wait till she's a teenager! Oh, but, you should hear her laugh, and see her eyes sparkle. I am so thankful for this little girl.

L is an emotionally fragile three year old sometimes, and a wise, smart, almost 7 year old at other times. She impresses me with her down-to-earth, clear-headed qualities. She does not get caught up in the other three kids' drama, preferring to stick with me. I love having my little one near me, and she loves the extra attention.  She does have her push-pull moments where she tries to injure me with her words, but she is not mature enough yet to figure out anything more hurtful than "I don't want to live here anymore". Easy cheesy.

I am enjoying my days alone while everyone is in school. I rejuvenate physically, mentally, and emotionally during school hours, and try to put the house back in order. Pain in my back and legs keeps me from working as hard as I need to. Frustrating! I imagine so many improvements to my house and yard, which would take tons of physical work and money, neither of which I am capable right now. I can not take a job with regular hours at this time. I need to be available for various appointments and funky school schedules. I may start substitute teaching in August. I am more than qualified. Speaking of funky school schedules, my little ones are in school today from 730-1230, and my high schooler is in school from 1020-230. I only get two hours to myself. I better make the most of those precious two hours.

Not bad for an attempt at journaling...