I've been attending a parent support group at my children's behavioral health agency for two months now. The benefits have been surprising.
I got info about a very good developmental pediatrician in Phoenix, and the reading specialist in the practice will be tutoring two of my children during the summer. The nutritionist at the practice will hopefully be able to help my child with high cholesterol and poor eating habits.
I have met more parents who have adopted 4+ children, and need to network with them. Support is good.
Our parent group got neck and back massages (real, professional ones) and did art therapy projects last Thursday.
This quote from a meeting is worth posting here:
“Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but
it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make
you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as
helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to
keep your own.”
― Marguerite
Kelly
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Dolly
Last Friday, my parents' dog of 14 years had to be put down due to kidney failure. All of you dog mamas know how painful that is. They decided they would wait a while until they got a new dog, and maybe enjoy not having someone waiting for them to come home every time they went out somewhere.
Until last night ... when my dad got on the Arizona Humane Society website. As soon as he saw her photo, he knew. He was planning to call the Humane Society this morning to ask about her, but I insisted that he needed to be there when they opened their doors this morning or someone else would get her. My sister and I went with my mom and dad to the Humane Society, hoping that she was still available for adoption. Thirty seconds after we stood at the locked front door, another couple got in line with us, saying they were excited about the little white poodle mix. My dad tried to suppress his "I won" smile. He's such a kid sometimes.
The dog, their new dog, is AWESOME. She is very delicate, playful, timid and sweet. She and I bonded immediately. I think she will be spunky and make lots of messes, but my parents are both home all day so she will have the supervision she needs. Her new name is Dolly, after my dad's favorite singer.
I need to learn how to post photos here. She is truly adorable.
I've had to change my clothes because my dogs are so interested and excited about the new dog smell. They must know I went to the shelter where I got all of them. They must be asking me, "I know you got a new dog today, so where is she??"
Pound puppies are the best kind of dogs. Thank God for Dolly, Shekia, Lucky, Sadie, and Holly. Tinkerbell ... I got that little rat-dog at a yard sale ;)
Until last night ... when my dad got on the Arizona Humane Society website. As soon as he saw her photo, he knew. He was planning to call the Humane Society this morning to ask about her, but I insisted that he needed to be there when they opened their doors this morning or someone else would get her. My sister and I went with my mom and dad to the Humane Society, hoping that she was still available for adoption. Thirty seconds after we stood at the locked front door, another couple got in line with us, saying they were excited about the little white poodle mix. My dad tried to suppress his "I won" smile. He's such a kid sometimes.
The dog, their new dog, is AWESOME. She is very delicate, playful, timid and sweet. She and I bonded immediately. I think she will be spunky and make lots of messes, but my parents are both home all day so she will have the supervision she needs. Her new name is Dolly, after my dad's favorite singer.
I need to learn how to post photos here. She is truly adorable.
I've had to change my clothes because my dogs are so interested and excited about the new dog smell. They must know I went to the shelter where I got all of them. They must be asking me, "I know you got a new dog today, so where is she??"
Pound puppies are the best kind of dogs. Thank God for Dolly, Shekia, Lucky, Sadie, and Holly. Tinkerbell ... I got that little rat-dog at a yard sale ;)
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
processing
After reading Cindy Bodie's post today about a mentally ill man who stabbed a police officer after telling his mother he needed to go to the hospital (for mental health issues), I commented the following in her blog:
Do you think the NY man's mom was in temporary shock and denial, or do you think she typically enables him by staying in denial of his issues? I know of a mom who blames the police and the stupid law for her son's repeated parole violations. Now he is in prison for accumulating those violations.
I try to keep my head above water in the traumatic situations my son gets himself, and me, into. I try to keep my head clear so I do not enable him. It is a bit of a struggle, as I blogged a few minutes ago, because I am terrified of him going to jail.
I keep thinking, well, my son isn't hurting anyone, just the house. Where will I draw the line? Where do you draw the line?
It's a very fine line between teaching my son a lesson by sending him to jail for breaking the ceiling, and causing trauma and pain for both of us that he may not learn his lesson from. I keep thinking "It's just drywall. He will lose privileges and work around the house for money until he can fix the hole." Am I protecting him from something I should protect him from? Or am I protecting him from something I shouldn't?
I HATE this part of my job.
Now I sound like a teenager.
I feel very far removed from the mother of the man in NY who gave a police officer a brain injury. I just don't feel like my son's issues are as severe as his. Maybe they aren't. Or maybe that mother had my very same thoughts of protecting her son when he was fourteen, and enabled him to grow into a man who committed several crimes and put a young dad in the hospital. Or maybe mental illness is something neither Brennan or I will have enough control over.
Again, I HATE this part of my job.
Do you think the NY man's mom was in temporary shock and denial, or do you think she typically enables him by staying in denial of his issues? I know of a mom who blames the police and the stupid law for her son's repeated parole violations. Now he is in prison for accumulating those violations.
I try to keep my head above water in the traumatic situations my son gets himself, and me, into. I try to keep my head clear so I do not enable him. It is a bit of a struggle, as I blogged a few minutes ago, because I am terrified of him going to jail.
I keep thinking, well, my son isn't hurting anyone, just the house. Where will I draw the line? Where do you draw the line?
It's a very fine line between teaching my son a lesson by sending him to jail for breaking the ceiling, and causing trauma and pain for both of us that he may not learn his lesson from. I keep thinking "It's just drywall. He will lose privileges and work around the house for money until he can fix the hole." Am I protecting him from something I should protect him from? Or am I protecting him from something I shouldn't?
I HATE this part of my job.
Now I sound like a teenager.
I feel very far removed from the mother of the man in NY who gave a police officer a brain injury. I just don't feel like my son's issues are as severe as his. Maybe they aren't. Or maybe that mother had my very same thoughts of protecting her son when he was fourteen, and enabled him to grow into a man who committed several crimes and put a young dad in the hospital. Or maybe mental illness is something neither Brennan or I will have enough control over.
Again, I HATE this part of my job.
again
Brennan, 14, threw a fit yesterday because I wouldn't let him go play in a kiddie pool with a 7 and 9 year old. He is too big for the pool, too old for the kids, and he had to get ready for his Boy Scouts meeting. He threw couch pillows, shoes, pictures off the wall, whatever he could get his hands on to try to get out of the meeting and make me change my mind. Like that ever works?! Then he screamed "It's not fair" twenty plus times at the top of his lungs. I took a moment to say "No, it's not fair. It's not fair that you are screaming and throwing things around my house" as if that would help him see my rational point of view. It made me feel slightly better though. After he settled down I walked through the house to survey the damage and found a baseball sized hole in the drywall. Again.
Brennan says he made that hole "on accident" last week. I didn't notice a hole until last night, which means it didn't happen until last night. I notice everything. Even though he had made the hole last week, or someone else had made the hole, he needs to realize that he will be a suspect for all damage in areas where he has his rages, here at home and out in public. He is also responsible for any damage he causes, whether accidental or during a rage.
We calmly went to Boy Scouts, then I got the littles to bed, and privately called the police to file a report. I watched a (weird) movie with Brennan, then George Lopez, and when the police pulled up to the house I let him know I had called. Imagine how chaotic our night would have been if Brennan had been consequenced earlier. The littles have state testing today at school, so I made sure they had a normal night and plenty of sleep.
The officer took a while to decide whether or not to take Brennan to jail. I could not be part of that decision. I want him to learn to control himself, and jail may be a good lesson, but it will break me to send him. So I stood with Officer Burke and Brennan and listened to their conversation. Brennan was at risk for being arrested for lying to an officer, destruction of property, and truancy. I was surprised to see Brennan truthfully report that he has been skipping school. Officer Burke was supportive of Brennan's mental health issues, and taught Brennan alot about his place in this world regardless of those issues. He did a pretty good job.
Then the officer told me that I need to beef up discipline around here. He said a child who put a hole in a ceiling should not have been allowed to sit downstairs and watch TV. He said I only am required to give him food and water. He said it's even warm enough to make him stay in the backyard. That's where Officer Burke lost me. I can't imagine a day, or even an hour, with Brennan living on the patio and LEARNING from his situation. Kids like Brennan don't learn that way. His abandonment and self-esteem issues would kick in so badly that he would bust down the door to get back into the same room with me. Again.
Brennan is being consequenced appropriately. His mama knows best.
I don't know what else to say about this issue. I am certainly feeling hypervigilant yet exhausted from the rushing adrenaline last night. Good thing he went to school this morning. I need a break. Again.
Brennan says he made that hole "on accident" last week. I didn't notice a hole until last night, which means it didn't happen until last night. I notice everything. Even though he had made the hole last week, or someone else had made the hole, he needs to realize that he will be a suspect for all damage in areas where he has his rages, here at home and out in public. He is also responsible for any damage he causes, whether accidental or during a rage.
We calmly went to Boy Scouts, then I got the littles to bed, and privately called the police to file a report. I watched a (weird) movie with Brennan, then George Lopez, and when the police pulled up to the house I let him know I had called. Imagine how chaotic our night would have been if Brennan had been consequenced earlier. The littles have state testing today at school, so I made sure they had a normal night and plenty of sleep.
The officer took a while to decide whether or not to take Brennan to jail. I could not be part of that decision. I want him to learn to control himself, and jail may be a good lesson, but it will break me to send him. So I stood with Officer Burke and Brennan and listened to their conversation. Brennan was at risk for being arrested for lying to an officer, destruction of property, and truancy. I was surprised to see Brennan truthfully report that he has been skipping school. Officer Burke was supportive of Brennan's mental health issues, and taught Brennan alot about his place in this world regardless of those issues. He did a pretty good job.
Then the officer told me that I need to beef up discipline around here. He said a child who put a hole in a ceiling should not have been allowed to sit downstairs and watch TV. He said I only am required to give him food and water. He said it's even warm enough to make him stay in the backyard. That's where Officer Burke lost me. I can't imagine a day, or even an hour, with Brennan living on the patio and LEARNING from his situation. Kids like Brennan don't learn that way. His abandonment and self-esteem issues would kick in so badly that he would bust down the door to get back into the same room with me. Again.
Brennan is being consequenced appropriately. His mama knows best.
I don't know what else to say about this issue. I am certainly feeling hypervigilant yet exhausted from the rushing adrenaline last night. Good thing he went to school this morning. I need a break. Again.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
One Perfect Word
One Perfect Word, by Debbie Macomber, has the subtitle "One Word Can Make ALL the Difference". The book is outstanding. For years, she has been chosing one word to explore, and live with/live by all year. She describes her experiences with words like trust, believe, brokenness, balance, hope, purpose. What a courageous, soulful way to live for a year. I hesitate to be public with this, but the word "connection" seems to be the word I need to live with and explore right now.
Brennan went camping with the Boy Scouts all weekend. When I picked him up this morning, the worst thing his Scout Leader had to say was he ate all the food and they had to go get more...AND Brennan is being impulsive but really mellow and ... NICE. I always find hiking in the mountains to be spiritual and soul-cleansing. Maybe he had the same experience. I love how mature he is today.
I need a hike in the mountains now. I am nervous, waiting for the nice to end. I hate walking on egg shells.
Brennan went camping with the Boy Scouts all weekend. When I picked him up this morning, the worst thing his Scout Leader had to say was he ate all the food and they had to go get more...AND Brennan is being impulsive but really mellow and ... NICE. I always find hiking in the mountains to be spiritual and soul-cleansing. Maybe he had the same experience. I love how mature he is today.
I need a hike in the mountains now. I am nervous, waiting for the nice to end. I hate walking on egg shells.
Friday, March 30, 2012
summer camp
For keepsake, here's the letter I am sending to the president of Youth Haven, a Christian camp in Arizona (and Michigan). I am going to start using their new middle names to make them less easily google-able.
Dear Larry Carlson,
My children's case manager at Touchstone Behavioral Health in Phoenix is urging me to enroll my kids in your summer camp this summer. She says that all of her kids that have gone have had an amazing time. That's exactly what I wish for my children.
I have adopted four children who would grow so much from a camp experience like yours. Eva is 7 in April. She has had many 'firsts' since living with me for the past year. She is growing like crazy, both physically and socially, now that she is in a safe, secure place. She is acting like a 'big girl' now, and I am so excited for her to get out into the world a little and grow some more. I know she will be safe and secure at your camp as well.
Elisa is 8, and very social. She thrives on attention and being with friends. Like her sister, she has had few life experiences before moving in with me last year. She needs alot of positive educational experiences to erase the years of neglect and bad influences. Elisa is quite the little star. Wait till you see her smile!
J*** is 9. He prefers to be called JJ now. I think he is trying to put some of his past behind him. He likes to be active outside, and loves to play video games. JJ is the most cautious child I have ever met, probably from years of taking care of his little sisters and his birth mother. He is just starting to learn to just be a kid. He needs alot of fun experiences with kids his age, away from me and his sisters, so he can start to have FUN.
Brennan, 14, has been with me since he was an infant. His first several years of life were extremely difficult, and he has worked very hard to learn boundaries and healthy emotional expression. As a result, he missed tons of social growth, and is now hanging out mostly with 8-10 year old kids. He will learn so much about hanging out with teens socially, and taking care of himself, at summer camp if you have a teen camp this year. Brennan is an awesome kid, and a successful-adult-just-waiting-to-happen. It is critical that he experience as much success as possible in the next four years.
My kids are 4 in a thousand, I'm sure, that are applying for your AZ camps this year. Please let me know what I need to do to register them. I pray that they can go some time this year. I am not working this year, and am not able to give them as many opportunities as they need. Thank you for considering my kids for your camp. What a fantastic opportunity you provide!
Thanks again,
Jen
**********
Oh, by they way, who spreads peanut butter with a knife, then puts the knife back in the drawer?! YUCK.
Dear Larry Carlson,
My children's case manager at Touchstone Behavioral Health in Phoenix is urging me to enroll my kids in your summer camp this summer. She says that all of her kids that have gone have had an amazing time. That's exactly what I wish for my children.
I have adopted four children who would grow so much from a camp experience like yours. Eva is 7 in April. She has had many 'firsts' since living with me for the past year. She is growing like crazy, both physically and socially, now that she is in a safe, secure place. She is acting like a 'big girl' now, and I am so excited for her to get out into the world a little and grow some more. I know she will be safe and secure at your camp as well.
Elisa is 8, and very social. She thrives on attention and being with friends. Like her sister, she has had few life experiences before moving in with me last year. She needs alot of positive educational experiences to erase the years of neglect and bad influences. Elisa is quite the little star. Wait till you see her smile!
J*** is 9. He prefers to be called JJ now. I think he is trying to put some of his past behind him. He likes to be active outside, and loves to play video games. JJ is the most cautious child I have ever met, probably from years of taking care of his little sisters and his birth mother. He is just starting to learn to just be a kid. He needs alot of fun experiences with kids his age, away from me and his sisters, so he can start to have FUN.
Brennan, 14, has been with me since he was an infant. His first several years of life were extremely difficult, and he has worked very hard to learn boundaries and healthy emotional expression. As a result, he missed tons of social growth, and is now hanging out mostly with 8-10 year old kids. He will learn so much about hanging out with teens socially, and taking care of himself, at summer camp if you have a teen camp this year. Brennan is an awesome kid, and a successful-adult-just-waiting-to-happen. It is critical that he experience as much success as possible in the next four years.
My kids are 4 in a thousand, I'm sure, that are applying for your AZ camps this year. Please let me know what I need to do to register them. I pray that they can go some time this year. I am not working this year, and am not able to give them as many opportunities as they need. Thank you for considering my kids for your camp. What a fantastic opportunity you provide!
Thanks again,
Jen
**********
Oh, by they way, who spreads peanut butter with a knife, then puts the knife back in the drawer?! YUCK.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
been a while...
I have been imagining what I'd say in a blog post each day, but something holds me back from actually posting.
Anyway...here's a blurb about each of us:
B had a psychiatric reevaluation on Monday. He listened carefully to the long summary of all of his psyc appointments, treatment, hospitalizations, and birth/adoptive history. I am not sure what part of it he is stuck on. It could be anything from "same meds since 2008" or "don't know if his birthmother had bipolar" or "good progress since 2007". It's usually really hard to tell what sets B off. Now he is in denial of his own problems, refuses to take his meds, and any time someone in this family shows any kind of negative emotion, he yells "you have bipolar". He is in obvious emotional pain, but we just have to wait it out. It is very hard to comfort him when he is in attack mode. He is supposed to go camping this weekend with the Scouts. I won't send him if he is still so ill, but God help us if I have to keep him home with us. It is really fun to see all of his 'normal' teenage behaviors developing. It's funny to notice myself celebrating teenage behaviors, but after living with his rage, extreme clinginess, and sabotage for 14 years, I love seeing him go through puberty and having a somewhat more 'normal' life now that he is getting older.
JJ is a tightly wound ball of nerves. That, paired with his interest in copying B's negative patterns of behavior and his difficulties attaching healthily to me, cause him to need TONS of redirection and time-outs. He usually goes to time-out without help, and is allowed to act as nutty as he wants in his room. His time alone helps him calm down and he comes out a new person. He's not really difficult to parent. I worry alot, though, about his tendency to mimic B's behaviors. I need for JJ to just be JJ, and I remind him daily. I am sure he is starting to hear my voice in his mind by now. We've been together almost a year. He is one of the most cautious people I have ever met. He calls me 'mom' most of the time now, and loves me to the best of his ability. That's good enough for me, because I love him too.
V is getting defiant. She doesn't want to take her meds. She picks fights (arguments) with anyone near her. I am not sure what's going on yet. Either she's got needs that aren't being met, or her natural tendencies for defiance and aggression are starting to come out. She is a very emotional girl, and a very fashionable one too. I have never been a girly-girl, and I am learning alot about how to live with someone who hogs the bathroom, needs extra time to get her outfit and hair just right, and ... ugh. She's only eight. Wait till she's a teenager! Oh, but, you should hear her laugh, and see her eyes sparkle. I am so thankful for this little girl.
L is an emotionally fragile three year old sometimes, and a wise, smart, almost 7 year old at other times. She impresses me with her down-to-earth, clear-headed qualities. She does not get caught up in the other three kids' drama, preferring to stick with me. I love having my little one near me, and she loves the extra attention. She does have her push-pull moments where she tries to injure me with her words, but she is not mature enough yet to figure out anything more hurtful than "I don't want to live here anymore". Easy cheesy.
I am enjoying my days alone while everyone is in school. I rejuvenate physically, mentally, and emotionally during school hours, and try to put the house back in order. Pain in my back and legs keeps me from working as hard as I need to. Frustrating! I imagine so many improvements to my house and yard, which would take tons of physical work and money, neither of which I am capable right now. I can not take a job with regular hours at this time. I need to be available for various appointments and funky school schedules. I may start substitute teaching in August. I am more than qualified. Speaking of funky school schedules, my little ones are in school today from 730-1230, and my high schooler is in school from 1020-230. I only get two hours to myself. I better make the most of those precious two hours.
Not bad for an attempt at journaling...
Anyway...here's a blurb about each of us:
B had a psychiatric reevaluation on Monday. He listened carefully to the long summary of all of his psyc appointments, treatment, hospitalizations, and birth/adoptive history. I am not sure what part of it he is stuck on. It could be anything from "same meds since 2008" or "don't know if his birthmother had bipolar" or "good progress since 2007". It's usually really hard to tell what sets B off. Now he is in denial of his own problems, refuses to take his meds, and any time someone in this family shows any kind of negative emotion, he yells "you have bipolar". He is in obvious emotional pain, but we just have to wait it out. It is very hard to comfort him when he is in attack mode. He is supposed to go camping this weekend with the Scouts. I won't send him if he is still so ill, but God help us if I have to keep him home with us. It is really fun to see all of his 'normal' teenage behaviors developing. It's funny to notice myself celebrating teenage behaviors, but after living with his rage, extreme clinginess, and sabotage for 14 years, I love seeing him go through puberty and having a somewhat more 'normal' life now that he is getting older.
JJ is a tightly wound ball of nerves. That, paired with his interest in copying B's negative patterns of behavior and his difficulties attaching healthily to me, cause him to need TONS of redirection and time-outs. He usually goes to time-out without help, and is allowed to act as nutty as he wants in his room. His time alone helps him calm down and he comes out a new person. He's not really difficult to parent. I worry alot, though, about his tendency to mimic B's behaviors. I need for JJ to just be JJ, and I remind him daily. I am sure he is starting to hear my voice in his mind by now. We've been together almost a year. He is one of the most cautious people I have ever met. He calls me 'mom' most of the time now, and loves me to the best of his ability. That's good enough for me, because I love him too.
V is getting defiant. She doesn't want to take her meds. She picks fights (arguments) with anyone near her. I am not sure what's going on yet. Either she's got needs that aren't being met, or her natural tendencies for defiance and aggression are starting to come out. She is a very emotional girl, and a very fashionable one too. I have never been a girly-girl, and I am learning alot about how to live with someone who hogs the bathroom, needs extra time to get her outfit and hair just right, and ... ugh. She's only eight. Wait till she's a teenager! Oh, but, you should hear her laugh, and see her eyes sparkle. I am so thankful for this little girl.
L is an emotionally fragile three year old sometimes, and a wise, smart, almost 7 year old at other times. She impresses me with her down-to-earth, clear-headed qualities. She does not get caught up in the other three kids' drama, preferring to stick with me. I love having my little one near me, and she loves the extra attention. She does have her push-pull moments where she tries to injure me with her words, but she is not mature enough yet to figure out anything more hurtful than "I don't want to live here anymore". Easy cheesy.
I am enjoying my days alone while everyone is in school. I rejuvenate physically, mentally, and emotionally during school hours, and try to put the house back in order. Pain in my back and legs keeps me from working as hard as I need to. Frustrating! I imagine so many improvements to my house and yard, which would take tons of physical work and money, neither of which I am capable right now. I can not take a job with regular hours at this time. I need to be available for various appointments and funky school schedules. I may start substitute teaching in August. I am more than qualified. Speaking of funky school schedules, my little ones are in school today from 730-1230, and my high schooler is in school from 1020-230. I only get two hours to myself. I better make the most of those precious two hours.
Not bad for an attempt at journaling...
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