friend

I'm blogging alot today!

Email reply sent to Amanda Smotherman, an incredible person that I respect a great deal:

Well, I just jumped for joy. I thought I wouldn't get to hear 'the rest of the story'...or learn more about how an awesomely Christian mom deals with such hard kids. I don't blog much either. I get it. Some things just can't be written about. It's better to forget and move on. It's better to respect privacy, and most people wouldn't understand our experiences or decisions, anyway. People ae too quick to judge. It's hurtful. I've put some heavy things on my blog, which is why I thought you didn't respond to me. I thought my lack of reliance on Jesus in my hardest times was enough proof that ... well ... silly, right? But I keep trying, daily, to keep my head and heart in the right place by asking God for help.


I can't see myself being disappointed in your writings. If I see you falter, well, then I know you're human, and I see the humanity in myself, and I can forgive myself more readily for my own mistakes.


I don't think I blogged this: My teenager, Brennan, was trying to think of hurtful things to say to me. He was in the middle of a three hour long rage/mind-game/control battle against us, even though we weren't playing his game. He 'hurtfully' said, "You only adopted us for your own happiness. That's how selfish you are!" I could only frown tiredly and say "Do I look happy to you?" and explain, again, my unconditional love, and his mistrust of it, and lack of give-and-take (his is mostly take-and-take).

 
God bless Caleb and his love for you. Hurts my heart a little to see him needing to know that you are happy. He's a good boy. But, I know that he knows deep down that your happiness on earth isn't the issue, it's your eternal happiness that will be so awesome! So I am hoping he takes comfort in that, and doesn't worry about his mama as much?

 
I'm sorry to hear that he is still away. I'm looking forward to finding out how everyone has been...I'll start reading right after I clean this house!


So glad to have friends to walk with down Adoption Street,


Jen in Phoenix