WOW

I just had an amazing dream...

I had a boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend... a pro basketball player! I had amazing clothes and hair and looked like a model. He was handsome, but not very tall. We were walking through the courtyard of his condo complex (as if) and found a professional video camera, and tried to return it to the lost and found but the office was closed. Two people who looked like convenience store clerks were in the office filling the vending machines. They wouldn't let us leave the camera in the lost and found. We decided to keep it with us so it wouldn't get stolen in the courtyard. Then I was another glamorous woman dating another smitten sports star. We were deciding what to buy for dinner at the grocery store. Easy cheesy decision making, and it felt wonderful to make the decision with a partner. Yep, that was the underlying message of my dream. Plus, sometimes I really miss feeling attractive to guys.

Back to the reality I chose and am glad to call mine. Glad? I couldn't think of a stronger word since it's 6am and my brain won't be awake until at least 7. With four kids and five dogs, I am usually in track shorts and a tshirt. I have a farmers tan and short hair which needs cutting. I do not have time for stylish clothes, makeup or looking amazing for a date. I am ok with this. I do not miss dating or relationships 95% of the time. I am way too busy and way too focused. My eyes are always on the prize, but the prize is not a beautiful, wealthy man. It is well adjusted, successful, happy children.

Please excuse the typos. There must be some...I don't even have my glasses on yet.

funny stuff

My younger son just said "shuma kama kama kama kama" in his sleep. He must be having a Pokemon dream. Earlier tonight, I told him in frustration that it was ridiculous that he was complaining so much. He told me "No! You are ridiculous because you think you are the boss of everything!" One day he'll figure it out...

My older son did fairly well today despite a routine visit from a social worker. Instead of being on his best behavior during the visit then raging all evening afterwards, he had a crying fit during the visit, then was fairly tolerable for the rest of the day. Amazing progress. I am very proud of him.

He now wants to join the Air Force in a few years. I don't think they'll take him, but if he works hard enough on himself, there's always a chance. It's up to him to make it happen. I will fully support his decision if he puts effort into getting physically and emotionally into shape.

More frivolously, I am loving my tan. I am out in the Phoenix sun 3-4 hours a day, including the kids' golf lessons, swimming or the water park, and running errands. I would feel better about my looks if I lost about 10 pounds. Not gonna happen unless I stop propelling myself forward through each crazy day using regular doses of chocolate...

foster kid logic...

...from son two: "Why are you adopting us? We are destroying your house."

Telling, huh?

Foster Kid Logic #1: We are destroying your house so you won't adopt us (they really want me to adopt them but are pushing me away in fear that they will have to move to their sixth placement).

Foster Kid Logic #2: We are destroying this house because we do not value it (they don't understand the value of a home, and do not feel attached enough to this home to feel invested in making it a comfortable, love-filled home). Add in the natural qualities of messy kids....

Foster Kid Logic #3: We can't believe you are keeping us even though we are destroying something important to you (they don't understand the finality of this placement, they think they can cause this placement to end, and most upsetting, they think that when they move from place to place, it must be their fault).

I have ALOT of work to do.

I have an interesting way of gaging son two's attachment to me in any particular moment: I kiss my hand and put the kiss on his face. If he peels the kiss off his face and throws it across the room, I laugh and tell him I'll get him later. If he looks at me and smiles, and gives me a kiss back, I spend a few moments bonding with him. What does that say about my older son's response to me blowing him kisses from his doorway as I leave his bedroom at bedtime (he grabs them from the air and puts them in his pocket)?

A fearless friend, Chase, hangs out with one or more of my children about once a week to help them attend activities that I can not split myself into four selves in order to attend. Sometimes he comes over and helps clean the kitchen and floors, which is a never-ending job with four kids and five dogs. Sometimes we all go out together. Anyway, he was over two days ago after taking Brennan to the Y to work out. He and I were secretly chuckling about all the crazy kid things that were happening all around us. A week's worth of healing for me within five minutes of laughing with a friend... I told Chase that I have learned so much by parenting Brennan, and so much more from parenting my three new kids that I am confident that I will fost/adopt again in about 18 months. I had expected the standard comment "you're crazy!" but I should not expect the standard from him. He SEES me. He responded, "That's brilliant."

Sidenote: My littles ask me frequently to marry Chase. From their Hispanic background, they have not experienced a single parent family quite like mine. I have known this precious guy for 8 years, but since he is 15 years younger, and just a friend, marriage is not likely. I do expect that Chase and another dear friend, Frank, will always be in my life.

I tried to meet everyone's immediate needs....

then told them "Don't kill each other while I'm in the bathroom." Oldest son laughed, knowing how appropriate my prediction was. Two minutes later, all four kids and at least three dogs are hovering around my bathroom door, not wanting to be far from me for more than a moment. One of them is laying on the floor looking at my feet through the 1/2 inch crack between my door and the floor. Repeated questions of "What are you doing?" and "What's taking so long?" only get answered with "I'll be out soon." and "I love you." This works!

Yes, I type this from the potty. This is the only chance I'll have all day.

Happy 14th birthday, dear Brennan! I have always loved you, and I always will. God bless you as you take the next steps toward being a healthy, successful adult.

when will I learn?

I am working against a gang mentality between my two sons. I am terrified for their futures together and with others that will lead or follow them in the future. Son two lies easily as if he can not tell that his version of what happened is just not true. AND HE STOLE MY CHOCOLATE STASH tonight from the very top of the pantry.I knew I shouldn't have stashed it there. That bit of chocolate is the only thing that keeps me sane some days. When we stop for icees on the way to the children's museum tomorrow (because it is 116 degrees here) I'll remind him that my chocolate cost the same amount as an icee, meaning he doesn't get one.

Yesterday, son one was targeting daughter one as usual, as their almost identical demeanors often set each other off. Because he repeatedly threatened to hit her, I got her in the car, knowing that I had left my cell phone in the house, and went to the library. We had a nice time together, but while I was gone I knew he was flipping the couch over, punching the blinds to break the slats, and throwing my phone. I had a sick feeling in my stomach about the phone but tried to have a good time with my daughter. I was right...I got back an hour later to a house that had been trashed but then kind of cleaned up. The couch was turned upright again, and my dear lifeline, my cell phone, was broken in half. My son impressed me with a mature admittal, apology, and solution. I acknowledged his maturity, but was too angry and mournful to speak about my phone. I still am. I simply can not afford the $150 to replace it.

Before each incident happened, I knew that it was going to happen. When am I going to learn to stop and listen to my gut instinct no matter how swept away I am in constant chores and needful children?

There is so much more to process and share, but right now I just need chocolate.