again

Brennan, 14, threw a fit yesterday because I wouldn't let him go play in a kiddie pool with a 7 and 9 year old. He is too big for the pool, too old for the kids, and he had to get ready for his Boy Scouts meeting. He threw couch pillows, shoes, pictures off the wall, whatever he could get his hands on to try to get out of the meeting and make me change my mind. Like that ever works?! Then he screamed "It's not fair" twenty plus times at the top of his lungs. I took a moment to say "No, it's not fair. It's not fair that you are screaming and throwing things around my house" as if that would help him see my rational point of view. It made me feel slightly better though. After he settled down I walked through the house to survey the damage and found a baseball sized hole in the drywall. Again.

Brennan says he made that hole "on accident" last week. I didn't notice a hole until last night, which means it didn't happen until last night. I notice everything. Even though he had made the hole last week, or someone else had made the hole, he needs to realize that he will be a suspect for all damage in areas where he has his rages, here at home and out in public. He is also responsible for any damage he causes, whether accidental or during a rage.

We calmly went to Boy Scouts, then I got the littles to bed, and privately called the police to file a report. I watched a (weird) movie with Brennan, then George Lopez, and when the police pulled up to the house I let him know I had called. Imagine how chaotic our night would have been if Brennan had been consequenced earlier. The littles have state testing today at school, so I made sure they had a normal night and plenty of sleep.

The officer took a while to decide whether or not to take Brennan to jail. I could not be part of that decision. I want him to learn to control himself, and jail may be a good lesson, but it will break me to send him. So I stood with Officer Burke and Brennan and listened to their conversation. Brennan was at risk for being arrested for lying to an officer, destruction of property, and truancy. I was surprised to see Brennan truthfully report that he has been skipping school. Officer Burke was supportive of Brennan's mental health issues, and taught Brennan alot about his place in this world regardless of those issues. He did a pretty good job.

Then the officer told me that I need to beef up discipline around here. He said a child who put a hole in a ceiling should not have been allowed to sit downstairs and watch TV. He said I only am required to give him food and water. He said it's even warm enough to make him stay in the backyard. That's where Officer Burke lost me. I can't imagine a day, or even an hour, with Brennan living on the patio and LEARNING from his situation. Kids like Brennan don't learn that way. His abandonment and self-esteem issues would kick in so badly that he would bust down the door to get back into the same room with me. Again.

Brennan is being consequenced appropriately. His mama knows best.

I don't know what else to say about this issue. I am certainly feeling hypervigilant yet exhausted from the rushing adrenaline last night. Good thing he went to school this morning. I need a break. Again.

One Perfect Word

One Perfect Word, by Debbie Macomber, has the subtitle "One Word Can Make ALL the Difference". The book is outstanding. For years, she has been chosing one word to explore, and live with/live by all year. She describes her experiences with words like trust, believe, brokenness, balance, hope, purpose. What a courageous, soulful way to live for a year. I hesitate to be public with this, but the word "connection" seems to be the word I need to live with and explore right now.

Brennan went camping with the Boy Scouts all weekend. When I picked him up this morning, the worst thing his Scout Leader had to say was he ate all the food and they had to go get more...AND Brennan is being impulsive but really mellow and ... NICE. I always find hiking in the mountains to be spiritual and soul-cleansing. Maybe he had the same experience. I love how mature he is today.

I need a hike in the mountains now. I am nervous, waiting for the nice to end. I hate walking on egg shells.

summer camp

For keepsake, here's the letter I am sending to the president of Youth Haven, a Christian camp in Arizona (and Michigan). I am going to start using their new middle names to make them less easily google-able.

Dear Larry Carlson,

My children's case manager at Touchstone Behavioral Health in Phoenix is urging me to enroll my kids in your summer camp this summer. She says that all of her kids that have gone have had an amazing time. That's exactly what I wish for my children.

I have adopted four children who would grow so much from a camp experience like yours. Eva is 7 in April. She has had many 'firsts' since living with me for the past year. She is growing like crazy, both physically and socially, now that she is in a safe, secure place. She is acting like a 'big girl' now, and I am so excited for her to get out into the world a little and grow some more. I know she will be safe and secure at your camp as well.

Elisa is 8, and very social. She thrives on attention and being with friends. Like her sister, she has had few life experiences before moving in with me last year. She needs alot of positive educational experiences to erase the years of neglect and bad influences. Elisa is quite the little star. Wait till you see her smile!

J*** is 9. He prefers to be called JJ now. I think he is trying to put some of his past behind him. He likes to be active outside, and loves to play video games. JJ is the most cautious child I have ever met, probably from years of taking care of his little sisters and his birth mother. He is just starting to learn to just be a kid. He needs alot of fun experiences with kids his age, away from me and his sisters, so he can start to have FUN.

Brennan, 14, has been with me since he was an infant. His first several years of life were extremely difficult, and he has worked very hard to learn boundaries and healthy emotional expression. As a result, he missed tons of social growth, and is now hanging out mostly with 8-10 year old kids. He will learn so much about hanging out with teens socially, and taking care of himself, at summer camp if you have a teen camp this year. Brennan is an awesome kid, and a successful-adult-just-waiting-to-happen. It is critical that he experience as much success as possible in the next four years.

My kids are 4 in a thousand, I'm sure, that are applying for your AZ camps this year. Please let me know what I need to do to register them. I pray that they can go some time this year. I am not working this year, and am not able to give them as many opportunities as they need. Thank you for considering my kids for your camp. What a fantastic opportunity you provide!

Thanks again,

Jen

**********

Oh, by they way, who spreads peanut butter with a knife, then puts the knife back in the drawer?! YUCK.

been a while...

I have been imagining what I'd say in a blog post each day, but something holds me back from actually posting.

Anyway...here's a blurb about each of us:

B had a psychiatric reevaluation on Monday. He listened carefully to the long summary of all of his psyc appointments, treatment, hospitalizations, and birth/adoptive history. I am not sure what part of it he is stuck on. It could be anything from "same meds since 2008" or "don't know if his birthmother had bipolar" or "good progress since 2007". It's usually really hard to tell what sets B off. Now he is in denial of his own problems, refuses to take his meds, and any time someone in this family shows any kind of negative emotion, he yells "you have bipolar". He is in obvious emotional pain, but we just have to wait it out. It is very hard to comfort him when he is in attack mode. He is supposed to go camping this weekend with the Scouts. I won't send him if he is still so ill, but God help us if I have to keep him home with us. It is really fun to see all of his 'normal' teenage behaviors developing. It's funny to notice myself celebrating teenage behaviors, but after living with his rage, extreme clinginess, and sabotage for 14 years, I love seeing him go through puberty and having a somewhat more 'normal' life now that he is getting older.

JJ is a tightly wound ball of nerves. That, paired with his interest in copying B's negative patterns of behavior and his difficulties attaching healthily to me, cause him to need TONS of redirection and time-outs. He usually goes to time-out without help, and is allowed to act as nutty as he wants in his room. His time alone helps him calm down and he comes out a new person. He's not really difficult to parent. I worry alot, though, about his tendency to mimic B's behaviors. I need for JJ to just be JJ, and I remind him daily. I am sure he is starting to hear my voice in his mind by now. We've been together almost a year. He is one of the most cautious people I have ever met. He calls me 'mom' most of the time now, and loves me to the best of his ability. That's good enough for me, because I love him too.

V is getting defiant. She doesn't want to take her meds. She picks fights (arguments) with anyone near her. I am not sure what's going on yet. Either she's got needs that aren't being met, or her natural tendencies for defiance and aggression are starting to come out. She is a very emotional girl, and a very fashionable one too. I have never been a girly-girl, and I am learning alot about how to live with someone who hogs the bathroom, needs extra time to get her outfit and hair just right, and ... ugh. She's only eight. Wait till she's a teenager! Oh, but, you should hear her laugh, and see her eyes sparkle. I am so thankful for this little girl.

L is an emotionally fragile three year old sometimes, and a wise, smart, almost 7 year old at other times. She impresses me with her down-to-earth, clear-headed qualities. She does not get caught up in the other three kids' drama, preferring to stick with me. I love having my little one near me, and she loves the extra attention.  She does have her push-pull moments where she tries to injure me with her words, but she is not mature enough yet to figure out anything more hurtful than "I don't want to live here anymore". Easy cheesy.

I am enjoying my days alone while everyone is in school. I rejuvenate physically, mentally, and emotionally during school hours, and try to put the house back in order. Pain in my back and legs keeps me from working as hard as I need to. Frustrating! I imagine so many improvements to my house and yard, which would take tons of physical work and money, neither of which I am capable right now. I can not take a job with regular hours at this time. I need to be available for various appointments and funky school schedules. I may start substitute teaching in August. I am more than qualified. Speaking of funky school schedules, my little ones are in school today from 730-1230, and my high schooler is in school from 1020-230. I only get two hours to myself. I better make the most of those precious two hours.

Not bad for an attempt at journaling...

emailed to my son's therapist tonight:

Koren,

Here's a running list of B's issues this weekend. I updated every few hours, and some issues were forgotten and are not listed here.

yelled and cried because I wouldn't take him to his friend's house until he cleaned off the crayon marks in the car

took L's stuffed animal and started to cut off its ear with scissors

yelled and cried because I wouldn't call his friend since he yelled and cried

said he didn't care when I told him that his yelling was giving me a bad headache

at the grocery store: play fighting with J, wrapping his arm around all three kids' heads and necks, loud and disrespectful

cried and howled because he didn't know how to clean the crayon

fussed at me while I put the groceries away because I wasn't getting the cleaning solution out of the garage fast enough for him

yelled NO when I told him to help me with groceries so I could get the cleaning solution faster

GOOD: cleaned the crayon marks off

yelled and berated and backtalked all of us while he cleaned the car. acted like he was going to spray the cleaning solution in V's face

fell apart because his friend wasn't home

at snack, wouldn't eat taquitos because he wanted chicken nuggets. then wouldn't eat chicken nuggets. threw papers from the counter all over the living room and dining room.

fussed the whole time we were at karate because he was starving....until the very end of the karate tournament, when I was ready to go and he wanted to stay ;)

when we got home, he wanted to go to the park. I still had a bad headache and was tired from all the harrassment all day so I didn't take him. he can't go by himself because he and a boy up the street harrass each other to the point that the police had to come last time. he told the kids they were going to the park, then J was so disappointed that he joined B in yelling and arguing with me about going to the park. B threw the word 'retarded' and 'stupid' around and almost got J to go outside with him anyway.

B and J played a game of dodgeball with J' soccer ball. B threw the ball at the girls in their room and made one cry. I took the ball away and B said "his (birth)mother gave him that. you're always telling me not to mess with his birthmother. now look what you're doing to him."  .... ok, I gave that ball to J, and I told B not to make 'yo mama' jokes to the littles any more.

B made himself a salad (the food I had set aside for dinner), made a big mess, and left half the salad and the mess in the kitchen

got J to play fight (which is against the rules because the CPS worker is wary of J' complaints that B hits him). refused to stop.

he went in the girls' room and walked on their beds trying to engage them in play wrestling. then he took their stuffed animals and pegged all three of them with the animals. wouldn't give the toys back when told.

*************ok this list happened between noon and 5pm on Saturday. I'll try to update more tonight.

OK, B and J were up in the loft together and being way too quiet. I called them down. B got irate that I told him what to do. Then he refused to feed the dogs.

When everyone came to the dinner table, B put his butt in everyone's faces and fake farted with a ball pump (.end of the tube in his armpit). Everyone told him sharply to stop but he refused.

At the dinner table, he screamed at L and V for taking all the taco cheese. Then he took the bowl of taco meat and refused to take any and refused to give it to anyone. I gave him three chances to take some, then I physically pried it out of his hands.

He put the ball pump tube in his water and blew bubbles. Then he put the armpit tube in J' water and then my water. He started blowing bubbles into a salad with ranch and spattering ranch everywhere. By that time I had the littles bring their food into the kitchen to eat quickly and go upstairs.

B blocked our way upstairs.

I made B stay away from the bedrooms and bathrooms so he wouldn't harrass the kids while they took showers. He physically tried to push through me to get to the area of the house he couldn't get to, constantly, for 15 minutes. Except when he threw clean folded sheets at me.

While I read to the girls, he waved his Halloween scythe at them.

J found out that the envelope with his lost tooth was missing. B told us he didn't steal it, but he hid it. Wouldn't tell me where. I told J he would still get his tooth fairy treat since it wasn't his fault he couldn't put the tooth under his pillow.

I was in tears and reminded him that he was in control of his choices. I got my phone and told him that he would make better choices or he is not staying here. Over the next few minutes, I dialed a 9 and a 1 ....

While I read to J, B stood at the door and loudly sang "if I die young, lay me down in a bed of roses" until I left J's room.

Then I got the dogs to their kennels and came to bed. AT 7:30. It's the only place I can go in the house to eventually get away from B. I say eventually because it takes a while to get away ...

B followed me to my room and sat on my bed and bounced up and down hard for about 12 minutes, singing that "If I die young" song. He took a couple of breaks to fuss at the girls in the next room because they are still talking. He just stopped bouncing, and turned on my light and is going through the stuff on my bookshelf. OK, now he is asking me who I am emailing. Is it about me?? he says. I tell him "I love you but I am not talking to you right now". He says "No you don't."

He is going to sit here and watch me or mess with my stuff until he gets bored or tired. He does not want to go to bed and he does not want to be alone. This usually takes anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours.

He is in the hall now. He told V to get in her own bed (she is in bed with L). He called her "fricking nasty" and "pervert". I've now dialed 9-1-1 and will hit send with one more problem. I will ask for transport to a hospital or somewhere other than here.

"I'm going. See ya. Have a nice life" ... he's not leaving. He is afraid of the dark.

He totally knows what he is doing is wrong. He totally enjoys the conflict he causes here. I don't think that once he gets going he knows how to stop until he gets bored or tired.

Please tell me what you think and what we should do.

I'll hit send now, on Saturday at 8pm. You've heard enough ;)

it happened ...

CPS is questioning the safety of my foster children based on what one of them reported to a social worker. So far, only emails have been flying, and no one has come for a home visit. Two social workers visited the kids at school, when the statement was made. The kids' adoption case worker said that she still intends to submit the adoption paperwork for court approval on National Adoption Day. I think she was just covering her butt with all those emails, since she has not been attentive at all during the past six months, but I feel like I got hit by a bus and turned inside out.

Maybe I'll write more about this later.

bawlin' like a baby...

Tonight Brennan went on his first date to his first high school dance in his first suit. When his date walked in my front door (her mom is driving them to the dance) he gave her a rose that he had cleaned the house for 30 minutes to earn the money for. Her mom asked them to stand close together to take pictures, her with a pretty dress and curled hair, holding the bloom of the rose just under her chin; him with a calm, content, manly look on his face, standing close to her but not too close, and I started tearing up. For the first time ever, HE told ME to suck it up, thinking that being overly emotional was not appropriate. If you knew Brennan, you'd understand how ironic that is. They walked out the door, and I couldn't close the door fast enough because I started bawlin' like a baby. I called my go-to person in times like this, and told her that I was crying because they looked so beautiful, and he was growing up so fast, and all the typical reasons a mom cries on a night like tonight. Then I went upstairs to have a moment of privacy on the phone, because I realized the real reason I was crying: Tonight Brennan was NORMAL. Just a normal guy on a normal date with a normal girl to a normal dance at a normal school...
...and I was so happy for him to have this experience in his life
...and I was so proud of him for being so mature, calm, and content
...and I was so heartbroken that he has severe difficulties that make nights like this seem so
   ABNORMAL for him
...and I was so heartbroken that the dance will be over and he will return to his version of normal by morning

My go-to person said that this may be a turning point for him and he will realize the benefits of controlling his anger and other emotions. With little confidence I said 'yeah' because if Brennan keeps it together when he gets home tonight, I'll be walking on egg shells until his 'normal' facade peels away and he returns to normal.

OK...time to go. My little girls were inspired by Brennan's dates' beauty. They have put on their very fanciest dresses and done their hair. We're going to snuggle, watch a movie, and eat popcorn. It's amazing how being with my three little ones feels so normal.