first letter

<Reading this letter will make much more sense if you have already read my previous post called "stories".>


Brennan,

I am writing this letter at 1:30 in the morning because I woke up with feelings of frustration and fear. I am worried about your heart. So I prayed, asking how to help you. Here are my thoughts:

I love you. Every day I have loved you, your whole life, with my whole heart, and with every action
--making you food
--teaching you to make your own food
--giving you hugs, kisses, kind words
--teaching you to give hugs, kisses, kind words
--giving you a safe home
--teaching you how to live safely at home
--giving you gifts
--teaching you the love of giving

This list could go on for twelve more pages. Just know that I have poured my heart into you. Many people who know you can see your kind, generous heart, which came partly from being loved and nurtured by me. I am so proud of that, and of you.

I also see your pain and your fear. You fear that the love will end -- at any moment. Sometimes you are so hurt because you think I don't love you. Like I said, I show you with every action, every day. Next time you feel angry or insecure and want to lash out, stop yourself and ask me, "Mom, do you love me?" Don't fear the answer. It will always be YES!!!

Now, about Christmas. One of the ways I love you is by giving you gifts for Christmas. You are right, my gifts to you are a symbol fo my love. They are NOT a measure of my love. You fear getting "less than" my other children, and you fear getting presents that are not good enough. Not good enough for what? I do not understand. You need new socks that fit. Why wouldn't a new pack of socks in your size that I spent a week looking for in six different stores until I found the style and color you like best -- why is that not a good enough gift? It most certainly shows my love and my determination to meet your needs. That's a pretty special package of socks, huh? And, that's just your most boring gift. I've carefully picked out many more, with my insightful brain and deeply loving heart. I have heard what you want, and what you need, and have chosen each gift VERY carefully. Your gifts are very speical because they come from my heart.

Your gifts for Christmas are a symbol of my love, but you can not look at the gifts and measure how much I love you. I give you gifts of love every single day that are way more valuable than the wrapped packages under the tree (or in my closet!). See the first page if you need examples again. I have carefully measured out Christmas gifts evenly between you four, because I am fair and I don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt. I don't measure my love out that way. I don't measure my love out at all. You get all of it. You get all my love! That's pretty special too, huh? You don't have to doubt my love, you don't have to earn my love, it's just there! Always! No matter what!

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Mom